How to connect with your loved ones (with steps)

Connecting can be tough.

Whether with our family members, children, friends, or other loved ones.

When we see those we love suffering we often have two immediate reactions: our own emotional reaction (Pain, worry, stress, fear), and an immediate urge to fix the problem. There is an issue with this though, we do not always want our problems fixed immediately, and we first want to be heard, understood, and validated. When we immediately try to solve the problem, it can have the opposite effect that we want, and make our loved ones more upset, rather than less.

The following clip does a great job of demonstrating this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg.

 
The following is based off an approach called Emotion Focused Therapy, and can be a great tool to begin to connect on a deeper level with those around you.

Step 1: Acknowledge the emotion

Calmly (if you can), acknowledge that something is up

            “I can see that something is up Harry”

Step 2: Name the emotion

            “You look sad”

Step 3: Validate the emotion

This step is the most important one. It says to your child, loved one, or friend that you care about them and understand their situation.

Where teens and partners often struggle is when they feel like their parents or partners are not understanding, or trying to understand their experience. The goal is to communicate you understand how they are experiencing their life. It is important to allow and validate emotions that you do not understand or agree with. 

When validating their emotions, try to not to put a bright spin on the situation, to logic them out of their emotion (they’re not vulcans), or try to make them see the situation as you do. This will show your loved one that you can be trusted to come to them with issues, that you are trying to understand and will improve your relationship and help them move forward. During this time it is important to try to say what they have not yet. This can be painful and you both probably know what hasn't been said, but it is important to do so.

            “I can understand that you are sad. It hurts when someone you like starts dating your friend, because you had a crush on her, and because you were hoping she would go out with you, and because you’re worried you are going to lose two friends”

Step 4: Try to problem solve/fix it:

            This step is the last one because it is more important to name the emotion, validate it, and communicate understanding than it is to solve the problem. Sometimes all your loved one wants is to acknowledge it is hard, to say you’re sorry they are feeling that way, or to offer a hug. DO NOT offer logic or advice at this point such as It will hurt less over time, you will get over it, the relationship wont last, people almost never marry their high school crushes, there are plenty of other fish in the sea, etc. Taking this approach will seem dismissive and will undo the understanding you are trying to create.

            “Why don’t we watch a movie together/ We could invite _____ over/ We could go for ice cream/ You let me know if there's something I can do that helps”

It is ok to repeat these steps. If you get the emotion wrong, or the reasons wrong, try again.

“I can understand that you are feeling mad, because it feels like your friend betrayed you, and because he asked her out when he knew you had a crush on her, and because you thought she liked you” 

It is also perfectly OK to communicate to your loved one that you are trying to learn a new skill and that the way you speak may change, you can also have a script in hand when trying it. When you see your loved one in highly emotional states, of course you would struggle to remember what to say. Saying something along the lines of “Harry, I am going to try something new, It hurts me to see you hurt, and that makes it hard for me to think. I may use different words than normal, and have a piece of paper with me. This is not cause I am not listening, it is because I am trying to learn and help our relationship”

Learning new skills can be hard, the road may be bumpy, but incorporating these tools into your relationships will help build closer, more understanding connections with your loved ones.

Click here for a PDF with more information.